True story: THIS IS AMAZING

DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!     

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.  But, just as Wanda said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, feathered bastard!"

 To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Walking the Dog

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the
block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that
mean?" asked
the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The
little girl
goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk
around the
block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to
you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline,
and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and
said "OK,
you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time
round the
block.." The little girl comes home but the dog isnot on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the
block, so another dog is pushing her home."

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE DRIVING TOO FAST:

You are SO in my bed!